I got the feedback from my risk assessment today and it was pretty good , the only real risk being is if I pick up drink or drugs again , overall the risk is considered low. I pretty pleased with that , but the fly in the ointment is my bail conditions , otherwise I would be able to get the kids out of the contact centre , supervised by a family member . The kids would love that but for now it’s not to be. I know my ex would withdraw her statement if she knew , she has always said she wants the boys to see me more. Let’s hope she gets some recovery and does the right thing for our kids.
I pray everyday for my ex to get well and maybe she is, I really hope so , the kids having two well parents would be the best gift they coil ever receive. The kids have been through a hell of a lot , but I don’t live or behave like that anymore , I’m a changed man and will keep putting one foot In front of the other to keep changing.
I’ve spent some time at St Peters church this weekend and found some peace there. It’s not your normal type of church and I found that refreshing , there’s no pews , people sit on the floor and there’s a band that play , it was an enjoyable experience all in all. The fact does remain though that I feel incredibly lonely , I want my old life back minus the drugs and the drama.
I do have a very busy life but there’s something missing , my kids for one !! I know I’ll get to see more of them but the waiting is tough at times. My relationship with my family is really good , had a great time at my sisters at the weekend , playing with my niece and nephews , had a great chat with my mum about my addiction and my recovery , my recovery is so solid , never thought I’d feel like this without drugs . The fact is I feel better than any drug ever made me feel. Because I’ve put in the action and continue to work the 12 steps in my daily life things just keep getting better.
I’m seeing my kids today but first I have the results of my risk assessment , that is naturally making me feel anxious but I’ve just got to see it as another step forward. Hopefully today will be positive , whatever comes out of the risk assessment I’m happy to engage with anything suggested to make myself a better person.
The times I said that to my wife ( and to myself ) of course it never was OK!! It would always be said after a night , or maybe days , of using cocaine. Probably within hours I would be using again , I can see my wife kneeling on the kitchen floor praying for this all to stop. We needed to stop using drugs but we just couldn’t do it.
The times I promised to stop , crying , desperate to not use again , I really meant it when I said it but I didn’t realise how strong my addiction was , I’m not even sure I believed I was an addict. How different life is today , I’m clean and sober and don’t have thoughts of using , so grateful that with the help of the fellowship and having God in my life that my life has changed. The power of doing the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is unbelievable.
Things are actually OK at present , well my recovery is, my life on the outside is still in a mess but internally I’m in a better place than I’ve ever been. I’m just hoping that gradually the external stuff gets better, I really want more access to my kids , I’ve worked hard to get to where I am now and I’m hoping that the rewards will come soon.
I’ve come too far and my kids need me!! Thanks to someone who reads this blog and messaged me , I’ve found my strength and determination again. I think a lot of my negativity over the last few days has been brought on by the pain I’m in, I’m also worried about my ex , I hope she is still clean and sober and getting the help she needs for her mental illness. I feel like I worry and care so much about other people , sometimes I forget to care for me.
I’m going to try to stay focused and positive , but also when I started this blog I promised honesty , I want people to feel my journey , this stuff isn’t easy and emotionally I’ve been through hell, a lot of it as a consequence of my drug addiction , but I’m through the worst of it and I’m not using , for that I’m grateful.
I feel in a place where I finally have love to give but due to my years of addiction there no one left to give it to. I will keep going , I’m not going to relapse and I will get more time with my kids , I just wish my ex would get honest , if she does I’m sure her chances of recovery would improve greatly.
If she could hear me I’d say ” I still care about you and pray you get well , remember we are all gods children”
Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to just walk away , the pain of losing my family can be unbearable. Sometimes it feels the odds are stacked against me. The odds are stacked against all men trying to get more access to their kids , I know a lot of it is my own fault through my addiction but it’s still tough. A lot of it could be solved with communication and understanding of addiction , understanding it is a disease , no one can make anyone else an addict or alcoholic , you can blame others but it means nothing. I believe something in our childhood will or can trigger the disease, but once the disease is awake , it’s always awake so we have to fight it on a daily basis.
I started writing this blog yesterday and even after a nights sleep , albeit not a great one, I still can’t shift a nagging feeling that something is wrong or that something bad is going to happen. I feel full of anxiety , it’s probably just my addict head looking for something to worry about , my ex is in my thoughts and I’m praying she is ok , the kids need her so much , she is a great mum when she’s sober.
I can’t write anymore as I feel consumed with doom.
Wish I knew the answer to this one !! I don’t think it’s lust because I’m really not interested in the sexual side of things right now. I’m not sure if it’s love either though , what I do know is that it’s a painful process. Maybe I’m just lonely , I certainly feel very lonely , I do wonder how she’s feeling about this at the moment. Does she still think about me , does she miss me at all , don’t suppose I’ll ever know. I’m very confused by it a right now, maybe I’m over-thinking it , as I normally do. I’d like to call her really but I’m not allowed , although she is allowed to call me , perhaps if we are both clean and sober we could have an adult productive conversation.
I do hope that she’s finding in recovery what I’m finding , I can’t actually imagine what it’s like to drink or drug anymore. My experience of working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous has been incredible , my outlook on life has been transformed, I didn’t think I would ever lose the thought and obsession to use or drink but it went 3 months ago and has never come back . I also have the pleasure of working with two newcomers , taking them through the steps , that’s where recovery really begins , that’s the magic, seeing others recover.