I LoveMy Kids

Well it’s the last night of my 3 overnights with my kids and it’s been fantastic , we’ve all had such a great time . We have all missed their mummy and it would’ve been great to have her here if things were different. My family have been fantastic , we’ve all had a great time. 

I’ve just put them all to bed , it’s the little things that are so nice to do , they’re the things I didn’t really do until now. I would love to have them full time!!

Well I’m off to bed as they’re all asleep

God bless 

48 Hours 

This time in 48 hours time I’ll have my kids for a few days , it’s been a bumpy journey but the hard work , honesty and faith I’ve put into my recovery from drug addiction has started to pay off. Life can be tough but having acceptance around my problems has helped me to overcome them. Today I’m free , I don’t think of using drugs anymore but I’ve put in the work to get to where I am, I’m actually proud of myself.

Carry The Message Not The Addict

I’m going to be carrying the message in Southampton tonight as I’ve been asked to do the main share there, I was told to go to any lengths for my recovery so even though it’s a long way I’m going to go and do my best. 

So carrying the message , it’s just about sharing how I recovered from drug addiction , not my opinion but my experience, how did I recover !? I got involved with cocaine anonymous and got myself to a meeting everyday , I got a sponsor and took all the steps , I do lots of service from phone service to greeting and I now sponsor other addicts. In the past I’ve tried to save other addicts , one in particular and what happened is I ended up relapsing , I can’t carry the addict and I must remember that. There’s someone very special to me struggling and I’m now I’m at a place where I can help but I can’t do it for them.

God bless

Missing The Kids

It’s my normal day for contact with my kids today but they’re on holiday with my ex and her mum and dad , whilst I’m happy for the kids to be having a holiday I’m missing them so much. Social services have asked that I receive a call so I hope they honour it , I’m sure if they’re thinking of the kids they will. 

Today I saw a picture of my wife from just a few days ago , it brought up a lot of old feelings , but it was good to see her looking well, I really hope she finds recovery and gets the right medication for her BPD. I knew today would be tough but the great thing is I don’t have to use drink or drugs to deal with those feelings, today I just deal with it, recovery is possible , I’m free of any obsession to use and if I keep doing what I’m doing I’ll remain that way.

God bless

Summer Holiday

Today my kids went on holiday , which means I won’t be seeing them Monday , I’m dreading it !! I find it tough not seeing them weekly but I am supposed to be getting a phone call, not sure that’ll happen so fingers crossed.

I’ve been quite reflective today , thinking back to the holidays we’ve had as a family , there were some happy times and I hope the kids, my wife and my in-laws are having a lovely time , really wish I could’ve gone , would’ve been nice to give the kids some memories of us as a family . I think I live in a dream world sometimes as I think maybe one day we can put all this behind us and recreate those times but better. Sometimes it’s good to dream , especially when you’ve been living in a self imposed nightmare for so long. 

Tonight I pray they are all happy and healthy 

Good night and God bless x

6 Months Clean And Sober

Today I’m 6 months off ALL mind altering substances, my life externally hasn’t changed but internally things are truly amazing. I’m coming to terms that my wife is gone out of my life forever. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt because it does because today it’s also 6 months since I heard her voice , it’s like she’s dead in a way even though she isn’t , it is like grieving so it’s slow and painful, but I am getting through it. 

Tonight I pick up my 6 month keyring at my home group , I’ve had the most amazing support from my amazing and the strength of the fellowship of CA has at times carried me. 

The biggest support has been having God in my life and the work I do at my church , I feel blessed to be alive and trudging the road to happy destiny. 

God bless 

Happy But Sad 

Feel pretty good to be in bed knowing when I wake up I’ll be 6 months clean of all mind altering substances , but as usual there’s the sad bit! It’s also 6 months since I’ve seen or spoken to my ex wife and that still hurts like hell, how long will this pain go on for?! 

I thought things would get easier but it doesn’t seem to, I know when I pray tonight I’m going to cry , I find crying helps a lot. 

I don’t even look at other women , I can’t !! I have someone interested in me and she’s lovely but I can’t give her what she wants. Perhaps things will change soon and I’ll be able to move on, I’ll just pray for the power to let go, just don’t feel I can move on without closure , even though we are divorced, perhaps I’m mad.

God bless 

The Voice 

I miss her voice , it’s been 6 months since I heard it and I long to hear it. 

I’m getting my kids for three days in a couple of weeks and my youngest said to me “daddy , can you and mummy take me on the train together” I’m crying as I write this as I didn’t know how to tell him that won’t ever happen. How do you explain to one so young that his mummy and daddy will never be together again, I can’t really understand that myself , or truly accept it, the poor kids have been through so much , it destroys me to think about it. For them I’d love too , not sure if we could make it happen. If we could just talk like adults and put the differences aside just for the kids, still don’t suppose it works like that . I miss her and always will , just going to keep the good memories and not dwell on the bad. Life is good today , I have some amazing friends and family and slowly all my kids are coming back into my life. When I see the boys my daughter and her boyfriend are going to meet us too , so all my kids together , I’m blessed , God is good.

God bless