Today is supposed to be the worst day for cravings when you’re giving up smoking , I can confirm its a bloody nightmare!! My emotions are all over the place , it would be easier to give in to them but I’ve endured this long u have to go on. I’ve been saying for ages I want to give up , just got to stay focused on staying stopped.
I’ve spoken to my sponsor about it and I’m using the 12 step program of Alcoholics Anonymous to help get me through, I’ve prayed to have the obsession to smoke removed , it hasn’t happened yet but I’ll keep going.
Day 2 without cigarettes !! I don’t want to recover from drug addiction and then die from a smoking related disease. I don’t want to smoke when I have the kids, it also shows my dedication to getting custody of my kids.
When I was using drugs and drink nothing mattered , didn’t think of my health at all , but today things are different , I want to be healthy and present for my children, it shows what I will do for me and my children.
It’s amazing how addictive nicotine is !! My moods are so up and down, it shows how reliant I was , it’s bloody hard work giving up that’s for sure. I’m reflecting on things that really don’t matter anymore , of all the things I’ve given this feels like the toughest , I’m nearly through the second day , just hope it gets easier.
I feel drained today, I’ve had quite a few calls from people who’ve relapsed or family of people still using. I’ve not got a lot to give but I try to help where I can.
One of the people who called me today to say they had relapsed said how desperate they were for recovery and then didn’t turn up for the meeting. It’s their choice to go to recovery meetings or not but in my experience unless you turn up and do the steps you’ll use or drink.
Perhaps sometimes I’m too nice to people or too eager to help , my ex-wife always said I was too nice to newcomers , maybe she was right. I just want people to beat addiction, I have seen what this disease has done to my own family. I’m disparately missing my children , I don’t want to use drugs but I’m crying a hell of a lot. I’m in a huge amount of emotional pain and I’m the one who caused it , it sort of leaves me in a weird place , grateful to be clean and sober , and in so much emotional pain it’s crippling.
I’m rambling a lot in my blogs at the moment and it’s because I’m in pain , this too shall pass, I hope !!
I’m fortunate to have the program of recovery in my life because it means I don’t harbour resentments !! But surely common sense and education is enough for people to talk to each other . It’s time to be good examples to the children , I’m so happy I’m the one taking the moral high ground on this, it shows my maturity and the strength of my recovery, anything that can shine the spotlight on how well my life is going is a good thing.
A lot of addicts/alcoholics will try for years to get clean and sober but will remain dishonest and wonder why they keep relapsing , I see it everyday because everyday I’m in meetings.
If there was honesty from other people in the situation I find myself in then the kids wouldn’t be going through the things they are going through now. Also if people didn’t just believe the lies that have been told and understand how ill someone is then maybe communication wouldn’t be such a problem , I hope soon people will put rational educated thinking behind what’s going on , take off the rose tinted glasses and talk , be honest please for the sake of my children l.
it’s said “that by self forgiving we grow”
I’ve been to a convention in London today ( cocaine anonymous ) and heard some great speakers but something has jarred me , I’m mean really brought some stuff up!! More bloody feelings , I’ve realised I’ve not forgiven myself , I’m not sure how to do it but I connected with one of the speakers after and we are going to talk on the phone and I’m going to learn. I want to forgive myself for the way I treated me. As addicts or alcoholics we smash through people’s lives but we also smash ourselves and our own lives to pieces. I need to let go of the awful way my addict treated me , yes I’m a recovered drug and alcohol addict but i still have the memories of the crap I put myself through. It’s time to sort out the wreckage of my past, I’ve done what I can for the other people I damaged , it’s time to do my amends to myself , I’m going to need fellowship and spiritual guidance on this so I’m grateful to have that support in abundance . I’ve thrown myself into recovery and I’m lucky to have so many friends in recovery .
I’m emotionally torn in two today. Working a recovery program and being 100% honest can be tough. It’s the feelings I find the toughest , I’ve never really learnt to deal with feelings before , I’ve always used on them, squashed them down.
Things are going well , and I was just in time . If I hadn’t attended a meeting a few weeks ago I would now be in a court process and so would my children , as the other person involved didn’t attend their meeting. Thank god I did , what could of happened is unthinkable. So tonight I sit with my feelings , can you be happy and sad at the same time ?! That’s how I feel, I don’t feel I’m winning , I just feel I’m doing my best. Surely that’s all I can do. I’m able to raise and protect my children that I know for sure , all I have to do is remain clean and sober and keep the program and God in my life and that’ll be fine. I’m glad my ex isn’t in my life as we’re not good for each others recovery , no one is worse than the other just 50/50 , I hope she keeps on the path to recovery and can show she can do this stuff without the ease of being removed from society , she’s strong and I have faith if she gets honest she’ll get well, that’s how it works. Faith without works is dead.
Just heard that 5 people relapsed and got thrown out of our local government funded treatment centre at the weekend, that’s 5 out of 20 all in one weekend , statistically only 1 will make a full recovery . When 5 go it hits everyone hard , especially those in the treatment centre with them. I knew one of them very well and I pretty sure this time he won’t be back , he was close to death last time , still I just have to prioritise my recovery, getting to involved or thinking about it too much can lead to relapse. I know that selfish and it is , but I have to stay well , my kids need me . I’m all that is really available to them now , my kids come before anything , not only is that right but that’s what the professional services want . I used to think I had to have the whole package back but now realise someone has ruled themselves out of this process.
As long as I keep clean and sober I want for nothing else , not a big , big house or any of the other material things people measure themselves against , I just want to house , feed , clothe and protect my kids for life , a safe stable environment is all I wish for and im confident that’s how it will be . People get so hung up on material possessions and forget what’s important , I know , I’ve done it.
Have you ever had to let go of someone who was once the most important person in your life?? I hope you never have to go through this because it’s painful to do, it takes time and I’m finding it a bit like a grieving process , I didn’t expect it to be this difficult. The thing is that without drink and drug addiction things could’ve been so much different. The chaos we caused is irreparable , I’m currently doing my amends and I think that’s why things are hurting so much , everyday I have to look at this stuff , the damage and the hurt , my in-laws have to deal with my kids and bring them up as I wasn’t able to so , I’ll always be very grateful and one day hope they are in a place to hear and accept that gratitude.
The thing I need to keep doing is to do what I do on a daily basis to stay clean and sober and remain in a recovered state. I have to keep praying to let go too , I have met someone who is very very special too me, she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen , she is not an addict and most importantly she is honest. We are not romantically involved but it looks like it is going in that direction , she’s just so pretty and I think why me but she says she loves me !!! Funny how when I turn my life around and do the right thing good things start to happen , recovery is amazing but letting go is so hard , I’ll break free and will move on, life gets better everyday and in every way, God is working in my life today because I do gods work in my life.
Feel very blessed to have my new life!! I’m free and I love it.
I done the main share at Cocaine anonymous tonight , I really don’t like doing them but it was nice to be of service to the fellowship that saved my life. I feel so ashamed of what I’ve done in my life , the years I’ve wasted on drugs, the damage I’ve caused everyone that’s been in my path. I don’t live like that anymore but the guilt of it is always there in my mind.
Today I’ve had a medical and will be talking to my lawyer as I keep moving forward with the focus on getting full custody of my children , I fully believe that the best outcome for my children is to live with me , my wife has a tougher longer fight than me , but I’m glad she is also on the right path, I just hope for the kids sake she is finally owning her part and not blaming everyone else as this is called deflection and goes against what the professionals are looking for, if she gets honest she has a chance which in turn gives the kids hope.
Today I have hope that the kids will get their parents back , who has them doesn’t matter as long as we communicate and don’t alienate the other parent , my wife and I getting divorced is the kindest thing we can do for each other and the best thing we can do for everyone.
I’ve spent a lot of time this weekend thinking of my consequences , the affect on my kids , subsequently I’ve felt pretty shit most of the time, thank god for the fellowship around me , sometimes I feel like I’m being carried , by the fellowship and God . I’m so grateful to have recovered from my addiction to drink and drugs , even though it’s been a tough weekend not once have I wanted to use . Also I’ve been asked to do the main chair at the Brighton CA meeting tomorrow night , not something I’m comfortable doing but it shows the strength of my recovery , people are noticing the big change in me. I know I’ve changed but mainly because I don’t want to take drugs anymore and that feels great but that’s all I notice , other people tell me how much better I look and how approachable I am , feels great to be clean.
I do really miss seeing my kids , a week between visits sometimes feels like an eternity , but I’m also very grateful to see them at all , I’m grateful to have been given the time to recover from my addictions , I’m grateful that I becoming a useful member of society .