I miss my kids every waking moment , I have them once a week just for a few hours and it’s so hard when they go back , the thing is if I had them more I might not be able to work my drug recovery as hard as I do. So at the moment it’s helping me , I have to see it that way, God will put them in my life more when I’m ready.
Recovering from drug addiction is hard but I’m clean and free from that awful way of life, I haven’t had to spend thousands hiding in hospitals or treatment centres that rarely work , I’ve done it front line , I’ve had all types of stuff thrown at me , including false accusations and arrest, not once did I think of using , God is in my life and I’m safe and protected. Recovery is possible , you just have to want it.
It’s been a great day for me today , firstly I had it confirmed that I’m seeing my kids this Sunday at home , which is also my birthday , what a great present. This afternoon I spent a few hours with my kids and my mum and dad , it was a great day.
My eldest told me my ex is back in hospital which is obviously hard , especially on the kids. I truly hope she can get the support she needs and soon. The boys wanted to throw money in the wishing well today and after my middle child whispered what he wished for, he said he wished mummy and daddy were together , it absolutely broke my heart , it hit me how much it has effected my kids , we had a good cry together.
I feel free and happy tonight , I realise how much I miss my wife and I’m ok with that.
Today I received a letter from my ex , it’s sort of bitter sweet !! It was lovely to hear from her on one hand but on the other hand it sounds like she’s really going through a tough time. I feel pretty helpless as I have no way of contacting her and if I did I’m not sure if I should. She asks for help but how can I help?! I would love to speak to her but I’m not sure that’s the right thing to do or even if it would help. All I can really do Is pray for her. Maybe she’ll call me and I can see if I can help.
I do realise I still love her but I don’t think we can ever be together , we’re not allowed to be for a start, there’s things that need sorting that’s for sure. So all in all I’m confused , seems to be my normal at the moment. If she read this I suppose I’d say “call me if you need to”
Feeling frustrated today as I’m still waiting for Social Services to give me and my kids some sort of regular contact time. Things have moved on in the fact I’m now seeing them unsupervised but there is no forward plan. Apparently they are supposed to give the kids this so they have some structure. The progress I’ve made since recovering from drug addiction is amazing , my life is so much better , I don’t mean I have more in my life it’s just the peace of mind and how healthy I feel .
My worry is that because I haven’t tried to contact my ex she will try to stop the kids seeing me. I really hope she wouldn’t stoop that low but it’s worrying me.
Didn’t think today would be this hard, it’s my wife’s birthday , we’re no longer together. I’m struggling yet again with my damn emotions. I wish I could be with her and my kids today , I want to give her a good birthday , look after her and show her recovery from addiction is possible if you want it enough.
I feel angry at myself that I can’t seem to forget her!! I blogged the other night about a girl from school contacting me out of the blue, well we’ve chatted over the last few days and she’s lovely. She’s invited me over today and I’m not going, I don’t think it would be fair to inflict myself on anyone today.
I hate what addiction has stolen from me, my family. It’s a bitter pill to swallow , but swallow and beat it I have.
Tomorrow I get my kids on my own for the first time since getting clean , part of me wishes we could all be together but that’s not possible. I can’t wait to see the kids I’m so excited .
Too excited to write more