Sleeping to Escape

I’m in so much emotional and physical pain that the only way to escape is to sleep. I’m going to sleep now in the hope that when I wake up things are better!! There’s no chance of that as this isn’t a dream , it’s my bloody life.

Can We Be Friends

Really want to clear the air with my ex, the police stuff is now over , surely it’s time for us to talk even if it’s with a mediator at first. There’s a lot of water under the bridge but I feel it’s time to put it all behind us. 

I’m going out with a lady tonight and I’ve realised that I’ve not dated for 10 years!!! It’s also someone that my ex knows , am I doing the right thing ?! Thing is she is a lovely person , not even sure if it’s a date or just 2 friends meeting up , I’m pretty confused 😀 still I’m going to go out and enjoy myself , I’m on my way now thinking what will we talk about , all I’ve got in my life right now is my recovery , it’s all I seem to do , probably going to bore her to death. Am I ready , didn’t think I would be but maybe I am , perhaps I’m over thinking it.  I’m good at that !! 

Will blog and let you know how it goes. Wish me luck 

God bless 

No Further Action From The Police

Well I heard yesterday that the police will not be pressing charges for the allegations made against me. I knew that would be the case but it doesn’t stop the worry. 

Yesterday I also received Father’s Day presents from my kids , they were lovely and I thank my wife for doing that , there’s a good person inside my wife but like me when we are in active addiction nothing matters but the drug of choice , the damage we do others is horrific , I really feel she is getting well and I’d love to hear from her, just a text would do. She also put some cards in and I know she’s doing well and that has really pleased me, hopefully now we can start to put resentment aside and start moving forward for the good of our beautiful children. They need mummy and daddy and we are in a position to hopefully give them that love and support.

If you read this I miss you and wish you every success in the future , let’s be friends for the sake of the children.

God bless

Father’s Day Fear 

I’m feeling a bit low about Father’s Day as I don’t think I’ll get a call from my kids, I made sure my ex had cards and gifts for mothers day but then I’m working a program and that just comes naturally. It’s just such a shame that the kids couldn’t have been put first and called their dad , still just got to hope next year is a bit better, hopefully by then some of the damage will have been repaired and some forgiveness achieved. 

Using Dreams

I don’t normally remember dreams but the last 2 have been so vivid!! They’ve both been about my ex. I’ve woken from them feeling so happy and distressed at the same time , thing is she looked well but in the last dream she was using cocaine. These dreams are sitting very heavily with me now , can’t seem to shake off the feelings. 

It’s strange how dreams can feel so real , it’s been a few hours since I had them but I’m still feeling them, normally my dreams go very quickly , I’m wondering if there’s a message in there somewhere !? I’m pretty sure my ex isn’t using anymore so it can’t be that , but what is it? 

If there’s anyone out there that knows anything about dreams help me

God bless

I’ve Heard You’re Not Well

It breaks my heart to hear your suffering , I just pray you’re getting the help you need, try to engage with everything that’s offered to you. I feel guilty at how well I’m doing , knowing you’re suffering is so hard to take. If I could give you my recovery I would , I’d start again , I’ve cried a thousand tears today knowing you’re not well. I wish I could help you , I think now I could. I’m just over 5 months clean now and nearly 7 years sober, the steps are the answer.

Was just speaking to my mum and sister and they said what a lovely person you are, get well soon xx

God bless 

Why Do So Few Make It – The Addict

Just been sitting in a meeting and I hear someone share how he was one of 13 in treatment , 3 are dead , 7 are back out drinking leaving only 3 sober!! That’s a very high success rate , but then it’s a good treatment centre , not expensive , good!! 

When I spoke to the guy after though and asked him more details , he said all 3 that are sober are working a 12 step program and doing CA!! I do AA and CA but I hear the solution in CA, I don’t have any thoughts of using drugs anymore , those thoughts left me really early on, and working with my sponsees the way I was shown they no longer want to use. 

So why do so few make it? Is it the dishonesty , the laziness , a bit of both in my opinion but who really knows , what I do know is that people are dying , I could’ve died plenty of times but didn’t , thank god finally I gave myself to this simple program , I surrendered.

God bless