My Drug Addiction Destroyed Me , Thank God

My Drug Addiction Destroyed Me , Thank God. Strange thing to say I know !! But what I mean by that is it took me to a place so painful that I had just 2 options, death or trying to get clean and sober. As I’m writing this I’m clean and sober, 59 days , it’s a daily battle after a terrifying relapse took me to the gates of death and insanity , I was awake for 6 days and I was hallucinating very badly , even worse I was talking to the hallucinations , I knew if I carried on I would be locked up or I’d kill myself , I decided to get away , some might say run away , I needed to remove myself from the situation and location I was in to stand any chance of living , of getting clean.
I was actually very concerned I’d never recover mentally from the punishment I had put myself through. I spent 5 weeks in Spain to try to get clean and it worked and I’m now back in the UK and feeling better than ever , things externally are still not good but today I don’t feel the need to pick up a drink or a drug to try to make things better , it never does anyway. Today I love my life and I’ve never felt that way.
God bless

Drunk

Well I bumped into my wife and she was so drunk I had to more or less carry her home , even though we’re not together I worry about her , she was so drunk anything could’ve happened and I fear one day something awful will happen. I can’t make her get sober but what more until she admits king alcohol has won.
She is a pretty and clever person but the alcohol is starting to steal her looks and she puts so much pressure on herself to look good , what happens when she’s pushed her body to far and alcohol has won?! What then ?
Scares me to be honest , my boys need their mum but if she keeps on the way she is I fear there’s not long left for her, please help pray for her.

I’m Seeing My Kids , A Happy Addict

I’ve just heard , I’m seeing the kids this Sunday , my youngest is in the church nativity and I’m invited, I’m over the moon!! My youngest is the innkeeper which I thought was very apt as his parents are both alcoholic.
So I must remember the reason I’m seeing my kids is the hard work keeping clean and sober , doing a meeting a day and working the steps thats how I’ve got here , obviously Gods plan for me.
I’m so grateful to the 12 step program for teaching me how to live my life. I’m grateful to my wife too, she has pushed to get me access so I thank her, maybe she is starting to find recovery too.
I can’t really articulate how good I’m feeling , the word that is uppermost in my mind is gratitude.
God bless all I’ll write more when I find the words that escape me .

Another Drug Test

I keep hoping that each drug test I have and pass will enable me to see my children , well today I have another test and I really hope that this time I’ll hear if I can see my 3 children , I really miss them , just want to hold them and tell them I’m sorry snd that daddy loves them , I’m sure the day will come I’ve just got to keep clean and sober and show that I’m changing , albeit a work in progress.
I’m 53 days off of everything , even if my antidepressants , I feel stronger than ever and each day is a gift. The obsession to use hasn’t been on me for a while now and it’s a strange feeling , I’ve gone through most of my life changing how I feel with a chemical of one sort or another
Today I don’t need to use drug or drink alcohol and for that I’m very grateful.
Now for my test God bless all.

Addicts love to point the finger

Well my wife’s latest attention seeking suicide attempt is being blamed on me, the thing is her parents actually believe her , they had years of her lying to them and I don’t know if they don’t want to accept their daughter is ill or if they are that gullible who knows all I’m certain of is that some of her lies are unravelling . Her brother has offered to speak to social services and tell them the whole truth , he’s also blocked his mums number , a big statement and I’m very grateful to him.
So tomorrow I should find out the extent of her lies , she’s progressively getting worse , she has got so much worse since moving in with her mum and dad , they are enabling her and ultimately the longer they enable her the more likely it is she will die, wake up surely your daughter being alive is more important than accepting she’s ill , step up and help her before you lost your daughter , my wife and my children’s mother , it is getting critical .
Please pray she finds recovery and soon.
God bless

Yet another suicide attempt

So my wife is in hospital again!! Another suicide attempt , I know they are cries for help but I fear soon she will kill herself . She is blaming me saying I’m stalking her, I’m most certainly not , I saw her this morning buying wine at 9am, perhaps her untreated alcoholism is the problem?! As an alcoholic as I am I know that drinking at 9am in the morning isn’t going to stop at just 1 bottle , once an alcoholic starts drinking they have very little if any chance of not carrying on until oblivion , so today was probably a big session and obviously ended badly. I pray she gets the gift of desperation and finally makes it into recovery , I fear many more attempts at her life and she will probably succeed even though it’s not really what she wants.

An Addict Comes Down to Earth

I’ve had 2 weeks pretty plain sailing , no obsession to use , not wanting to use. I don’t want to use but last night I just felt not quite right. I suppose some days are just going to be like that I’ve just got to make sure I don’t revert back to old behaviour, keep clean that’s the bottom line.
Today I have another drug and alcohol test and I’m hoping when I pass that I’ll get to see my kids.
Still if it’s not tomorrow hopefully it’ll be next week, so often when things don’t go my way I lose my patience and tolerance and act like an idiot , not now though , a day at a time I’m going to show whoever is watching that I’m changing for the better, consistent improvement and then I’m pretty sure things will start to get back to normal , whatever that is.
God bless

Another suicide attempt

Just found out my wife tried to kill herself again last Friday, she text me to say she was going to kill herself and because I’d heard it so many times before I ignored it, feel a bit guilty but I wasn’t to know.
The thing I find strange is that social services have left the decision with her to decide if I see my children , is that not a bit of a big decision for someone who has tried to take her life twice in the last 4 weeks. It confuses me that that sort of decision be left with her , still whatever she decides I will just keep fighting for access , it will happen , I will never give up on my children.

Decided Not To SendThe Letter To My Wife

I’ve struggled making a decision to write a letter to my wife telling her how much I love and miss her, she asked me to write it but I haven’t heard from her for a week now and I fear a trap !!
It’s strange she was texting saying she missed me and loves me but then nothing , don’t understand it but I’m not willing to put the possibility of me seeing my children on the line and get involved playing her mind games so I’m writing it but I’m not sending it.
It’s a shame that it’s got like this but I’m powerless over the situation so I’m just going to keep clean , do lots of meetings . For Anyone that is in a 12 step program I’m just starting my step 4 , Iv’e got a week to do it and then read it out to my sponsor , I’m actually looking forward to it.
Loving life right now and nothing has changed , well apart from me , I’m changing , I’m accepting my situation and working one day at a time to become a better person .
God bless