God “I’m an addict please carry me”

That is my prayer as my return to the UK looms. As it gets closer I keep wondering if I’m doing the right thing?! I think I am but I’m scared , that’s the truth . I’m scared about seeing my kids and if I can’t if I’ll pick up again , I need God more each day , the magnitude of my recent past and the damage and chaos I’ve caused is all consuming at times , God I’m your child please help in my most disparate hour.
How do I do this!? I know I have strength and I know I have support but when things get tough my default setting is to isolate and ignore the support around me , how do I change that behaviour , answers please………..
God bless

A clean addict – ready to return

Well I’m clean and sober after spending 5 weeks in the Canary Islands , I’m ready to head back to the UK and fight to see my children . No more games , no more drugs , a day at a time!!
The break has served its purpose , I’ve realised I don’t need to get involved in the mind games being played , I just need to keep clean and keep presenting like that and everything will fall into place the way God planned it. Not in my time in gods time . I’ve had a fellow recovering addict come over to stay to help me get ready mentally to go home , feel very blessed to have people like that in my life today. I’ve had a few texts over the last few days telling me my kids need me , let’s hope my wife doesn’t change her mind when I get back , if she does I need to just keep my faith and not use. Sorry it’s a short blog but I’m exhausted , in a really good way , feeling blessed , God bless

Coming out of the fog

It’s taken me nearly 4 weeks to come out of the fog of my last relapse , in that time I’ve blamed everyone for it , the only person who is to blame is me, the one thing I do know is that this time it smashed me up really badly , but the time I’ve spent away doing my meetings and keeping myself out of danger has been time well spent , I am absolutely certain that if I’d stayed in the UK I’d be dead by now , I had to get to safety !! I’m starting to think of returning to the UK soon , couple of weeks and I think I’ll be strong enough to do so , people may think it’s easy being in Gran Canaria but I’m still with me , my disease is here but I needed to put distance between me and my normal area as I felt I was very close to the end , thanks to a lot of people I’m now feeling very good . I’m gutted I’ve hurt so many people this time , some will never come back into my life , that’s ok , not everyone understands the disease I suffer with , however what I will attempt to do on a day to day basis is make living amends to all I’ve hurt .
I thank god for bringing me through this and I pray it never happens again.

Antidepressants

Well it’s been a very tough few days , I’ve come off my antidepressants without medical advice , please don’t ever do this , I’ve been to the gates of insanity , heaven and hell but I’m through it and somehow still breathing . I must say though I feel better than I have done in a very long time . I’m on my own in Gran Canaria and I’m starting to settle in really well, met lots of people and things are ok , my mind is really well today but I’m dreading tomorrow as tomorrow is my eldest’s birthday and I’ve asked to speak to him but I’ve had no response , however the 1 thing I was advised to do this week is do it by email and text then you have records when they’re older to prove you tried , hard evidence so I feel I’ve done all I can , I pray I’ll be allowed and I pray that I won’t use if I’m denied this basic human right. Thankfully some of the laws are changing next year and episodes like this will finally be considered child abuse , it’s been a long time coming but dads will finally have a voice. Thanks for reading and keep my family in your prayers please , tomorrow will be tough and if you know me personally I’d love to hear from you tomorrow , even if I don’t I’d still love to hear from you .
God bless

Could be my last post

I’m not sure if I’ll post on here again as I’ve made some decisions today that might limit me coming on here, thanks to all of you who have followed my crazy ramblings , remember that in here someone lies the truth , I obviously see my part through different spectacles than others might, but also remember there are 3 little lives involved , my beautiful boys , I can’t take the pain of not seeing them and I can’t risk the fight and then relapsing and messing their little lives up more. My beautiful sons , just pray to God they don’t make the decisions I’ve made in my life and that they don’t suffer from the disease of addiction.
If you have love in your life try to keep it close , try not to use drugs , never try them , if I knew the horrific journey that first drug would lead me on , well I can’t change that, drugs aren’t glamorous , they robbed me of my entire life , I’ve hurt my family and countless others , if 1 person doesn’t pick up a drug because of this blog then I’ve done some good in my life , hopefully non addicts will understand the horrific existence we lead .
Punishing an addict by keeping the addict away from their kids is not a solution , where’s the fucking help?!
God bless you all and god bless my 4 wonderful children. X peace

So low

The reality of not seeing my kids has hit me hard this morning and I don’t know what to do , I feel overwhelmed and I’ve got this feeling ill never see them again , I don’t know if that’s true but it feels real , I just hope my wife can get the strength to look after them and bring them up so they don’t turn out like me. I just can’t stop crying the pain is unbearable right now, I really want it to stop but I don’t know how , if I could just sleep for a few months , addiction WILL kill me , I’m not using but without drugs how do I cope with these feelings , how do I function. People look down on addicts but I can tell you if you could sit in the body and mind of an addict for a couple of days maybe you would understand the daily torture we endure using or not , there’s something in my head but it’s not me.

Prayers for a friend

Today a very great friend has some tests on her brain tumour , I wanted to be with her today but we felt as I’m new on the scene for her , her mum might not be totally present for. All I can do is pray and if I could ask any of you who do pray to remember Anna in your prayers today . She is very brave and just gets on with it , she is an inspiration to me and puts into perspective all the things most people waste their time worrying about , I was even judged on taking her on holiday ( I knew she needed rest before this week of tests) saying I’m wasting my money , what a insult . If only people took the time to either ask why you may be doing something or just think long enough to realise it’s non of their business , what good is money if you have no life , please look around you to see what you have rather than to look at what you don’t , we all have different struggles and most of them you cannot see , if you can’t say anything nice please don’t say anything , a girls life hangs in the balance today and all she thinks about is others and the good in all she meets. She may not have long left but still looks outwards to see what she can do for others , try it , happiness is an inside job but to pass on happiness try being and saying nice things .
Hope that isn’t too much of a rant but we could all try harder , especially me !! Today I will try to do only good and if I can’t do good I will do nothing bad.
God bless and help me pray

Addiction is diving me mad

Yes diving …… Today I went diving with my girlfriend and what an escape from the madness going on in my head sometimes , the addict is alive today but it won’t get me , I’m inna beautiful country with the most amazingly beautiful girl ever … Just not sure what she’s doing with me.
I’m one dive off my Padi and will do that one day over the next two weeks , quite a lot of theory involved but worth it to be able to dive anywhere in the world .
I went to my first overseas AA meeting last night which was good , just nice to be in a meeting , around likeminded people. It’s tough not seeing my kids but that will change and until then I’ll sit it out in the sun , it’s supposed to be 34c tomorrow so just going to chill in the sun and eat , trying to put on 10 kilos while I’m here so food food and more food for me, for today I feel I drowned my addiction , pretty sure it’ll be back tomorrow so will need to be strong again.
God bless

Moving on ………

Well the removal people are here and in a way I feel a little emotional , just got to try to look forward , it’s a new start and this last 8 months has been hell , addiction and alcoholism has battered my family , I never thought there would be any hope but there is and that’s a miracle .
Feel a bit stressed and just want to shut the door on this part of my life. There will be a lot of money in my account today which could be a bit dangerous for an addict so tonight it’s a meeting for me.
God bless