It’s been a while since my last blog but I just haven’t got time to blog, my wife’s drinking is out of control , I’ve tried to get her to stop , and she says she wants to stop but it just isn’t working , if she hasn’t got money she steals it , I just can’t help her anymore . Tomorrow she is going to try to get into treatment, it’s the only option left , without a drink she is like the devil with a drink she is the same , she needs medical help and I feel she needs to be removed from society to stand a chance of getting sober.
She managed a day sober yesterday but today she is drinking and drinking hard , tonight will be hell for me as her usual drunken anger comes out. Time to prepare for the onslaught .
So we’ve decided to detox my wife at home !! It’s going to be tough I think but she needs to get sober and after a big binge yesterday it’s time for her to get well.
She’s beaten , finally she realises that she’s an alcoholic , it’s never easy to admit but shes got there .
We looked at all other options and felt that home detox would be best for all but I think it will be a very bumpy ride, I’ve also got to consider my sobriety , balancing my meetings the kids her meetings and her detox will take it’s toll on all of us I’m sure , we’re ready to take this challenge on . How things change , I wouldn’t of dreamt a few weeks ago that I would be detoxing my wife in my house but here we are , gods work ? I hope so! My will ? I hope not ! This decision has not been taken lightly , I hope it’s right , I’m a bit scared but don’t know what else to do , if it works there’s a good chance of my family staying together , if it doesn’t …………
Getting less time to blog these days as my family starts to come back into my life , I have my two eldest staying tonight and they’re both asleep so I’m going to sleep too, my middle son is right next to me sleeping quietly so peaceful , he is the one that has been effected the most and is very moody at times , he will get better in time .
It’s hard at the moment as my wife is only a few yards away at her mums and I would dearly like her here, she would like that too, the problem is we’ve hurt a lot of people in this process and we need to put that right !! How we do that I’m not too sure , I pray for guidance and I’m sure I’ll receive the answers .
One big breakthrough is my mother in law is speaking to me which is a surprise we haven’t spoken for months , so progress is being made , it will come right in gods time. I’m shattered so off to sleep , thanks for having faith when I had none.
I’ve not had time to write the last few days because things have been manic , what with social services and my wife’s arrest I’ve not had time.
Well things are settling down , my wife is back on track and social services appear to be pleased with everything I’m doing, I’ve got another assessment in about an hour and if that goes well I should get the ok to have the kids more.
I’ve had the kids all weekend and it’s been amazing , I forgot how tiring it is looking after the 3 of them. My wife stayed a couple of nights too and we slipped back into family mode very quickly so today it’s quite tough as they’ve all left apart from my middle boy and I’ve only got him for a bit longer , I almost forgot they were going back , it’s hitting me quite hard but I’m very grateful for the time I’ve had.
So good news , my wife has been released without charge , and hopefully she is the right kind of broken now to finally give in and surrender to this fatal illness , it’s harsh but us addicts and alcoholics usually have to go right to the very bottom before finally saying I give up time for recovery .
So maybe this time my wife’s journey will begin , it’s a long daily journey to a life beyond our wildest dreams. Remember when I came in I had no wife , no kids and no hope , today I have all 3 and more , the serenity I sometimes have is beautiful . I still have no money but I have enough It’s been said if you’re satisfied and grateful you have everything well right here right now which is all we have I have both , I’m blessed to be clean and sober and I hope I can walk side by side with my wife as we trudge the road to happy destiny.
Well last night my wife was arrested!! Arrested for assaulting another woman in the refuge and although this now proves what I’ve been saying all along , that I’m innocent I’m really not happy , I don’t like thinking of her being locked up , she’ll be scared.
She was drunk when it happened , this is not normal behaviour for her that’s for sure, the disease of addiction is on her and anyone who is an addict will understand how powerful that is. I hope this is the rock bottom for her to take recovery seriously , please pray for my broken family.
I’m so anxious as I am getting very little information about my kids or my wife , I’m thankful that I have remained clean and sober abs hope I can look after my kids while she gets help , struggling to write this as very emotional.
I spoke to social services today which is still a call that makes me anxious and full of fear for no reason! My wife told social services that we are back in touch and getting on well and that scared me a bit but they appear to be supporting it .
I’m seeing the boys Saturday and my social worker said that we could sort it out between us, that’s a huge step forward for my family , positive things are happening.
I’m feeling very grateful for finding recovery while there was still time to put my family back together , my wife is now in recovery and looks better than I’ve ever seen her look , she was beautiful before but now she looks even better , she has also grown in confidence and become a very able strong woman.
I believe god pulled us apart to get better and maybe now he is putting us back together , we will see !!
I saw my two eldest sons yesterday which was a lovely surprise !! I was just getting back from a recovery meeting when my father in law called to see if I would like to go out with him and the boys.
We went to a local indoor play area and it was lovely , I hope it also helped ease tensions between me and the in-laws.
I should hear today about my next official visit with the boys , I’m hoping for this Saturday. Things are progressing well and I just need to remain clean and sober and everything will continue to fall into place , my outlook on life is so different now I feel blessed to be alive and on the horizon is a person who I have very strong feelings for but I need to be cautious as I don’t want to get hurt.
Met my sponsor this morning before going to a meeting , we met to discuss my list of amends for step 9 , what this means is a list of peoples that I owe an amends to. There’s quite a few on the list , it’s part of clearing up the wreckage and damage I’ve caused in my life , most of it is linked to my drug and alcohol addiction, I was really looking forward to getting to these as I know what an important part of my recovery it is. It has left me feeling quite anxious and fearful and I’ve not even started making them.
There’s some big amends to make , my wife my family my in-laws , a big task lies ahead of me but I’m glad to have made it this far and glad I have the willingness , honesty and open-mindedness to do it.
I have no idea how people will receive them as I’m sure a lot of these people would prefer if I just disappeared off the planet , think I’m in for a very rough but rewarding journey. I’ll keep you posted.
One of the funnier sayings we here in the rooms of a twelve step fellowship. What it means is that so many addicts come into recovery having lost a lot of teeth if not all , I have a terrible gap on my bottom row of teeth that I’m currently seeing the dentist to help put right. It’s all part of the recovery process , part of trying to become an normal member of society , but to become that person the addict has to work so hard to stay clean , you don’t just get clean and that’s it , we have to continue to work a program in our everyday life , a daily reprieve from the hell that is addiction. If any non-addicts are wondering what we do find an open meeting and come and have a look , it might help you !!