The Drugs Stopped Working

If you’re an addict you’ll have heard the above statement better than most , what it means is the drugs stopped doing what they used to. For this addict I take drugs or drink alcohol to get instant gratification or because I don’t like what I’m feeling , I’m looking for ease and comfort and then as the disease of addiction progresses I find myself using or drinking on my own feeling paranoid and scared. For this addict I used to wake up either feeling suicidal or just knowing I HAD to score. It’s a horrific disease and it never leaves the addict , yes we can get clean/sober but that isn’t it because whatever our drug of choice was it is only really an arms length away. I am clean and sober but having my disease in remission is conditional on me working the 12 steps of recovery in my daily life , I don’t get a day off , for me it’s the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of when I go to bed , and even when asleep it’s not far away , in the early days of recovery you get drinking/using dreams and can wake up horrified thinking you’ve relapsed.
Most people have a pretty low opinion of the using addict , believe me for this addict when in active addiction I probably have a lower opinion of myself than you can imagine , my counsellor asked me to describe what I thought of myself as a using addict , I hated myself , thought I was the scum of the earth , despised the fact that I couldn’t stop using even though I was damaging everyone around me.
The last week or so have probably been the happiest I’ve spent in recovery and I think that’s because I’ve surrendered fully that I’m an addict , the games up , the party was over a long time ago , and with the possibility that I could actually get custody of my boys, the focus I have is so unbelievably strong , I deserve recovery and I’m here to get it.
God bless